Bedlam!

My ride back from Derby took longer than expected. Rain. It seems to rain more often than not in England. I am at least relieved I managed to get my own accounts verified and released. Once I arrived in Chester, I stopped at the post to check if there was anything for me. Even though I somewhat have said that my parents are gone, it is not what I believe to be true. My father said to me as I boarded the boat that he would write as soon as it was safe to come home. My mother hoped I would come to understand my past. Did they not know that James Ashford and Richard Flemming were killed? My letter was to appeal to the generosity of the younger Baron Ewan. Maybe they already knew him to be good and kind. I understand why they did not send me to Richard Flemming. Lady Eleanor might have murdered me in my sleep... and then her husband. Except he is already dead. I posted my letter to my family. Including my disappointment in finding out the truth.

I am elder brother to Dickie Flemming. He is legitimate so he inherits Flemming Manor and the barony of Derby. Good thing Lady Flemming is managing it.

I have no idea how long I will be at Lubscombe. So, I had taken the opportunity to send away for medicines I do not have on hand that might be needed, more medical supplies (bandages and such), and some simple apothecary equipment so I might better make my own medicines. I had also send away for seeds and seedlings for a proper healing garden. Not like anyone is going to do anything with the garden at Lubscombe anyhow.

All that done, I came to Lubscombe to find little has changed. I took a trip back into down every couple days to check the post. With relief, all I had ordered arrived. With disappointment, there is no news from New England. I left a payment for news to be sent to me direct at Lubscombe when it dies finally arrive.

As the end of April comes to a close, Miss Vanessa came down very ill. It is likely due to all the stress. I made sure she was put to bed. Mrs. Hester is caring for her and ensuring bedding is cleaned regulary and that Vanessa eats and drinks to keep up her strength. She took a stressful turn for the worse near the time of the banquet. I was glad for the medicines I ordered. I gave her a dose of opium to calm her and help her sleep. Dr. Forde has been worrying for her and I am backing out slowly to let him take over as her doctor.

Banquet... and Bedlam...

I am not sure even were to begin with this. Not sure what was real or not. The night was seven shades of horrible and like nine levels of mythic hell. Perhaps that is a bit dramatic. There were some serious earthquakes. It damaged some of the manor. There were incidents in the mines. And I have a new appreciation for the diversity of sentient beings. I also have a deep dislike for some. The Commodore cornered me to declare he knows. He knows. He seems to corner me at every turn about it now. I suppose I am grateful he has not shouted it from the bloody fecking roof. I have not admitted it to him and done my best not to rise to his prodding.

I know the night happened true. My journal was taken by the Commodore and burned. Thus I don't have very good notes to put here. My dignity was hurt, but not nearly as bad as some think. It was a violation to take a private journal that I have every right to keep. Burning it was the easiest and safest thing to do and I goaded him into it to make sure that everyone's privacy was kept so he would not look through it. I have been fired as a doctor for the first time in my life. That hurt too. Mr. Bright and Mrs. Hester had both agreed to let me ask them questions later to try to understand some of the madness I witnessed. I am not sure I will ask them anything, not till I speak with Lucy. Lucy I trust, even if things were perhaps most dramatically different with her. I suppose that speaks well of my open-mindedness to people's and cultures.

I left that meeting to check on Vanessa and find Inverness. Vanessa's very own guardian angel. She is resting and slept thru all this madness. I tried to check on Dickie after his injuries. I will likely dose him heavily in a couple days with opium if he does not stay down. He has max two days where I will check on him lightly.

With my notes burned, I needed some air. I felt deeply violated and very much unwelcome and unwanted. All those herbal notes and garden plans were also gone. I will recreate what I can, but I need to get outside and look at the garden again to remember it. Lady Blythegarden came to speak with me in private there. I had a mind to stay silent. Her words were ... less harsh. She is here from far away as well, though I still don't really understand her reasons for being here. She thinks Dickie as my elder brother ought to be taking better care of me. Somehow, I doubt he has the capacity... or the maturity. I did gain some insight and understanding about people's differences here. I suppose my understanding of husbandry and births help some. I will deduce for the time being that there is a 1:16 chance of being born with special qualities as have been found in abundance here. I have had myth corrected for me. And I am unfortunately still related to Dickie. I had hoped otherwise. She caught me in a weak moment and I voiced my own anxieties that are lingering. My worry for my parents, my missing the hospital and working in it. She says to not hide behind my silence as it will only slowly kill me. I wish I had stayed behind my silence and never broke it. It is just easier being ignored until I have to handle something medical.

After walking Lady Blythegarden back to the house, I retired to my room dead set on trying to recreate as much of the herbal and medical notes as I can. Those are the most important. I had stood for a good ten minutes in there and packed my bag, considering moving out to an inn in the city or finding a room to board in just... elsewhere. But then I am caught between the things that frighten me or make me uncomfortable here and the people I have come to care about: Vanessa, Lucy, Bradshaw... and even Dr. Forde. Like it was on cue, Mrs. Hester showed up to my room. Good thing I was still dress and burning the midnight oil. She brought bliss in a cup. Tea and a scone were just what I needed to calm. I had been filling paper after paper with herbal notes and mapping out the garden plans... all over again. She was very kind to sit with me. She would make such a wonderful hospital counsellor. She suggested I open an official doctor practice in town. I think she might know my secret. It made me a little concerned. That would make both her and Bradshaw maybe knowing, and the Commodore knowing for certain. Once I have had some sleep and sorted my thots and my notes that I lost, I might take up Mrs. Hester's offer to talk.

I look over the vials of poisonous venom and the antidote I made with the mugwort to save Dickie's life, as well as the three other vials of ... monster substances. I need a better names for those. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel less like I fell into Beldam.